Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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