yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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