everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
