Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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