i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
