Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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