please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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