I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
