Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
