Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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