when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We are all done wearing pants today
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
