I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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