Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
