When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
