Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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