Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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