3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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