Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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