Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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