You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
