my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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