I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize