Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You have to summon your inner elephant
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
