i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
