Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
