So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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