is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
