She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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