If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
