I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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