dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
