so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I understand Curling. That high.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
