If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
we made out on top of his cat.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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