Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
