Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
