there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
