I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
