god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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