if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My hand turned me down
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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