So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When are your genitals available?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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