I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
