you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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