So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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