we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My ass is underappreciated
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
