i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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