I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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