I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
