I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
