The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
