he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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