oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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