2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
