You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
