I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
