the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
