I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
