I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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