I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Randomize
