At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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