I wish I could teleport
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
