lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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