Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
