Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
