remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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