So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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