sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
