im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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