I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
