I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize