Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
