I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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